I have gained 3lbs!!!!!!!
I'm going to have to do something about this.
I don't want to gain back much more because I worked so hard to lose the weight.
I'm going to have to become more disciplined again, darn.

I need to get up on a soap box today and talk about Men

Confusion overcomes me when I deal with a guy. They are emotional, moody, and needy. I have enough of that with myself to deal with and they think its just us who are like that, ya right. I know that what I've said is not always the case but this is just what I have dealt with lately with every male species that is in my life. One is getting on my last nerve and I really shouldn't say he is in my life cuse he really isn't its a guy I have connected with over the phone thru a chat line things and talk to once. He texts me like everyday and calls at least twice. Its on my last nerve, I was nice when we talked but I didn't think it would lead to such neediness from him. Guess I should of not been so nice. I need to tell him to drop it but I haven't gotten around to it I have just been ignoring it. Hopefully he will get the hint and understand when I tell him to leave me alone.

ok I feel better now that I have bitched..................

Broken Silence

Pain upon a young girls face
Worry in a boys voice
He asks "What is my address?"

Screaming and crying
Walls shaking and windows cracking
we will be gone soon
pack your bag
lets go

waiting for mom
feeling lost
lets leave him forever

Anger will overcome me
who will protect me when mom isn't there
heart is racing
The family is gone
gone forever

Today just sucks in more then 2 ways so I'm happy it friday. I don't have to be in this god forsaken place for the next 2 days.

Giving in to the pain..................

My heart hurts
What can I do to stop this pain
I wish I cared less about what others think
I wish I could control what I feel
Shut it out

Melt all this shit away
I want to scream and yell till you see how I hurt
Till you understand how fragile I am
Till you care for more then yourself

I fall on to the floor
Take my claws and rip my heart out
Then disappear

Like you care....right?

I have this song stuck in my head I listened to is over and over again the past 2 days. Not sure why but it makes me feel good, but maybe its just the voice behind the music that makes me feel good. *grins*



Sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
Sometimes I forget I'm alive
I feel it coming and I've got to get out of its way
I hear it calling and I come cause I can't disobey
I should not listen and I shouldn't believe
But I do
Yes I do

She turns me on
She makes me real
I have to apologize
For the way I feel

My life, it seems has taken a turn
Why in the name of god would I ever want to return?
Peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
Fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
I wanna kill away the rest of what's left and I do
Yes I do

She turns me on
She makes me real
I have to apologize
For the way I feel

And nothing can stop me now
There is nothing to fear
And everything I'd ever want
Is inside of here

Ooh, I want, I want, I want, I want inside of here

Now I just stare into the sun
And I see everything I've done
I think I could have been someone
But I can't stop what has begun
When everything is said and done
And there is no place left to run
I think I used to be someone
Now I just stare into the sun

Song: Sunspots by NIN

A co-worker of mine had a parent who died last week. Yesterday was his first day back at work and I was surprised to see how ok he seemed to be. I know we all handle death differently but when you are ok it means to me that it was someone you were not so close to but this was his parent and he seemed ok maybe even unaffected. I also heard him talking to another person later in the afternoon stating that he had to stay back home the full week even thought he had nothing to do because of his mom. That was so nice he stayed for his mom but its sad he felt he had to do that and didn't do it because he wanted to.
I know its bad to pass judgment and I don't want to but I'm just surprised because I look at myself and I know I would not be ok. I don't even think I could fake being ok, especially if it had to do with my parents.

Trust, Money, & Problems..............

Last night I got a phone call that I care not talk about but I feel I need to get a few things off my chest to warn other. Learn from me.
A friend of mine (not sure how good a friend I really think he is now) about 2 years back started playing gambling sites for extra money and fun. He started winning right off the bat and became so turned on by the idea of winning that over the years he has found it hard not to bet money he doesn't always have. Luckily he has almost always come out ahead or ended up ahead in a short period of time. He like to work the tables now as a way of paying his bills, risky but he has been ok just barely scraping by but avoiding the "day job" we all wish we could. Anyways I let him gamble under my name those years back and the accounts (I know so stupid) had my bank account info that he has always used to transfer money to me that he has borrowed or owed to me in some way. Never had a problem till a few days ago. He called and was hysterical that he had done something wrong ow so wrong but could not tell me. I got aggravated and told him to text me whenever he felt he could talk about it to actually tell me what was going on. I took it as him trying to ruin my night because I was out having fun and he wasn't but when he texted me my heart dropped. He told me he had taken a large amount of money from my bank account and lost it all on a high stakes table. I was livid with him but what could I do for all I knew the money was gone. More came of this situation I care to not talk about but in all this I expected the worst. I expected to go home and find my bank account cleaned out. First thing I did the next morning was go to the bank to see what transactions happened in the past few days and found a few from where money was taken but nothing to the amount I expected, Thank God. I spent a good portion of my morning canceling my account and transferring my money to a new account that he dose not have access to. I felt good walking out of there knowing I had avoided a worse situation and that I could fix it, I wasn't helpless in this foolish mistake.
So please I know its something everyone knows but we don't always do what's best but don't let others have access to your bank accounts for any reason. Some of us trust people too much and that exactly what I did.

Don't Abandon me...............

I have this great fear of being tied down and kept with something or someone against my will. I'm not afraid of commitment I just want things on my terms or terms that I have settled or agreed to not ones forced upon me.
I have been stressing about my house sale, just getting to the point of putting it up on the market is a trauma inside for me. I want to get the show on the road and do paperwork so I have the terms all in black and white but the realtor is dragging his feet. He has told me that he will sell my place for free as long as I buy my next house thru him. I don't like that, its not that its not a great deal because it is, he is a friend and he feels he is doing me a favor but I just feel it will bind me to him and I don't like that. What if I don't want to buy a house for awhile or what if I want to move out of the metro area that he works in like I've been thinking I want to?? The guilt will eat me up for doing what I feel is best for me and not what I feel I should because I made a promise. I need to talk to him about this but I'm afraid he will abandon wanting to sell my house and in fact I really need him for this cuse I can't do it alone. This sucks.

Who's that girl?

I'm just too cute! LOL JK

NIN

I went to the most awesome concert last night!!! (both time I have seen NIN in concert it has been awesome and I have heard the same from others I know who love him) The show they put on was amazing, I wish I had had a camera to take pictures of the stage setup (I will have pictures to come of Trent (yummy!) that we took at the concert). It was a heavy mesh type screen that came up and down a few times during the concert in front of the band (they have that a lot but this was the first time I could see it well)and it had images and colors pulsating thru it and it made for an amazing visual experience. I was so pumped from the concert I didn't go to bed till 4am, so unlike me cuse I'm a sleepy head.